Jeffrey C. Long

The following sermon was preached on April 15th, 2007 at Filer Mennonite Church. Illustrations and quotes were taken from the book “Why Forgive” and from the article “The forgiveness factor,” Copyright © 2004 Christianity Today.

In a documentary on the Holocaust, a leader of the Warsaw ghetto uprising talked about the bitterness that remains in his soul over how he and his neighbors were treated by the Nazis: “If you could lick my heart,” he says, “it would poison you.”

Researchers are finding that this Holocaust survivor’s sentiment is not necessarily metaphorical. While the biblical practice of forgiveness is usually preached as a Christian obligation, social scientists are discovering that forgiveness may help lead to victims’ emotional and even physical healing and wholeness.

Radhi Al-Mabuk, Robert Enright, and Paul Cardis published a study in 1995 (Journal of Moral Education, Vol. 24, No. 4) examining forgiveness education with college students who judged themselves to be deprived of parental love. The college students who underwent the more rigorous forgiveness program had “improved psychological health,” including improved self-esteem, hope, and lowered trait anxiety.

In a different study in 1997, Enright and Catherine Coyle sought to determine whether men who identified themselves as hurt by an abortion could benefit from a “structured process designed to facilitate forgiveness.”

The processes involve 20 separate steps, including confronting anger, a willingness to consider forgiveness as an option, acceptance of the pain, and the participant realizing that he has needed others’ forgiveness in the past. After leading their subjects through this process, researchers found significant decreases in clients’ anxiety, anger, and grief.

When Lewis Smedes a theologian set out to write a general book on the theological aspect of forgiveness, he soon discovered that “almost everything that was written about forgiveness was about how God forgives sinful people and how they can experience his forgiveness.”

Today’s text said “Whoever’s sins you forgive, they are forgiven them. Whoever’s sins you retain, they have been retained.” John 20:23

At first read this sounds like Jesus is giving the disciples the authority to absolve people of their sins against God. In fact, the practice of confession in the Catholic church is taken from this passage. And yet there is not a single incident in the New Testament of the disciples forgiving people’s sins. John Gill in his commentary on John calls the idea that we would be absolving people of their sins blasphemy.

Instead, what I think that this passage is talking about is the offering of forgiveness to each other for their sins against us or others.

This is a quintessential Christian practice. Jerry Cook thought forgiveness so important to the church he made it one of the three core elements in his book “Love, acceptance and forgiveness.” Jesus made it a central ingredient of the kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 18:23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared this…

a king decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars.[k] 25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt.

26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.

28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars.[l] He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment.

29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full.

31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. 32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt.

35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters[m] from your heart.”

You might be struggling today with forgiving someone. Someone in the church. Someone in your family. A friend. It might be something that happened years ago. Or only moments ago. So we’re going to look at forgiveness today. First we’ll look at a couple myths about what people think forgiveness is. Then what forgiveness actually is. And finally some steps you can take if you are struggling to forgive someone.

Prayer. Lord, you forgave me. You forgive me. You forgave _us_. You forgive _us_. Teach us Lord to forgive each other. To forgive our family. Members of our church. Our friends. Open your word to us Lord. Amen.

Let’s look at what forgiveness isn’t

First, forgiveness is not forgetting. It is instead choosing how to remember.

When I try to think of stories of forgiveness in my life I don’t initially think of the 100′s of times that I forgive in a week or a month. If we were to catalog our lives we would find that we overlook a thousand offenses in our lifetime. But we don’t think of these times when we do an inventory of forgiveness. Instead we think of the worst hurts. If you rehearse these moments you will likely wind up reliving the emotions that accompanied the offense. Why is this? You’ve forgiven this person. You have let go of your need to punish them. And yet you still feel these emotions.

That is because forgiving does not necessarily mean forgetting. Deep hurts can rarely be wiped out of one’s awareness. We need to give ourselves permission that it is ok to still feel things. It doesn’t mean that we haven’t forgiven people. It just means that we really were hurt. When you have an open wound it takes time to heal. And even when it is healed it is likely to leave a scar. Forgiveness doesn’t heal the open wound. And it doesn’t remove the scar. It instead chooses how to remember the story of the pain rather then let the pain dictate our memories.

Secondly, Forgiveness is not condoning a wrong. It is choosing to stop hating.

Forgiveness does not remove the offense. Instead it involves taking the offense seriously, not passing it off as inconsequential or insignificant.

When we forgive someone for a mistake or a deliberate hurt, we still recognize it as such, but instead of lashing out or biting back, we attempt to see beyond it, so as to restore our relationship with the person responsible for it.

Dr. Glen Mack Harnden says that “forgiveness does not preclude the enforcement of healthy and natural consequences on the offender . …Whenever an individual offends another, the offender gives up a certain degree of power in determining his or her own destiny, with the power being given over to the offended.”

Smedes would agree. “Some people view forgiveness as a cheap avoidance of justice, a plastering over of wrong, a sentimental make believe. If forgiveness is a whitewashing of wrong, then it is itself wrong. Nothing that whitewashes evil can be good. It can be good only if it is a redemption from the effects of evil, not a make-believing that the evil never happened.”

Now we’ve seen what forgiveness isn’t. Let’s look at what forgiveness is.

I love this quote from the book Why Forgive.

“Forgiveness is a small, narrow door, and cannot be entered without stooping. But it is a door to peace and happiness.”

Forgiveness is a small narrow door. If forgiveness were easy, none of us would be carrying hard feelings for our friends, church or family. It is a small narrow door.

It cannot be entered without stooping. Forgiveness involves humility. It is acknowledging our own humanity, our own weakness. The small narrow door of forgiveness cannot be entered without stooping.

Lewis Smedes gives a three-part definition of what forgiveness is.

1. “The first thing one does in forgiving is surrender the right to get even with the person who wronged us,” he says.

Forgiveness is different from justice. Justice involves reciprocity of some kind. , whereas forgiveness is an unconditional gift given to one who does not deserve it.”

In Matthew 5:38 Jesus said “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.’ 39 But I tell you, don’t resist him who is evil; but whoever strikes you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also.

Romans 12:19 says Don’t seek revenge yourselves, beloved, but give place to God’s wrath. For it is written, “Vengeance belongs to me; I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 Therefore

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him.

If he is thirsty, give him a drink.

For in doing so, you will heap coals of fire on his head.”

21 Don’t be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

This doesn’t mean that forgiveness is a pardon. a pardon is a legal transaction that releases an offender from the consequences of an action, such as a penalty. Forgiveness is instead a personal transaction that releases the one offended from the offense.

2. “Secondly, forgiveness means reinterpreting the person who wronged us in a larger format.” This, Smedes says, is to help us avoid creating a “caricature” of the person who wronged us. “In the act of forgiving, we get a new picture of a needy, weak, complicated, fallible human being like ourselves.”

As I said a moment ago, forgiveness isn’t about forgetting. Instead it Is choosing how you will remember. How you will see the person who wronged you.

3. The third step is “a gradual desire for the welfare of the person who injured you.”

This is probably the hardest part. In the corinthian church there was a member that had caused Paul a lot of grief and a lot of trouble for the church. As a result the church punished him. But the time came when he had repented. Paul said it was not only time to forgive him but it was time to restore him. To wish better for him.

2Corinthians 2:6 6 Most of you opposed him, and that was punishment enough. 7 Now, however, it is time to forgive and comfort him. Otherwise he may be overcome by discouragement. 8 So I urge you now to reaffirm your love for him.

In 1990, a young mother of three pleaded for her life after being confronted by an assailant wearing combat fatigues.

“Please don’t shoot me,” she whimpered.

The murderer cold-heartedly fired anyway, killing the woman. The assailant made many mistakes in covering up her crime. She sloppily disposed of her clothing and weapon. Colorado Springs police had her in custody within 24 hours. Shortly thereafter, they also arrested the victim’s husband after determining that the two had an affair.

Sydna Masse was a neighbor of the murdered woman. When she heard about the killing, she responded with hate and rage.

“I had a dead friend and now lived behind three motherless kids. I felt I had every right to hate the murderer who caused this.”

Sydna grew “physically hot” when the murderer’s name—Jennifer—was even mentioned or her picture was flashed on television. “For a while, I couldn’t even read the newspaper articles,” she admits.

Sydna’s hate wasn’t a solitary affair. “The whole city and state hated her,” she says. Jennifer’s life sentence did little to ameliorate Sydna’s passion. “There was no relief in her sentencing. That’s the thing with hatred and bitterness—it eats you alive. Every time I passed the house, I missed Diane and became angry all over again.”

Shortly after Jennifer received her sentence, Sydna began going through a Bible study that included a chapter on forgiveness. Sydna prayerfully asked God whom she needed to forgive, and in her words, “Jennifer’s name came right to my head. I literally did a whiplash and protested, ‘No way I can forgive her. She killed my friend! She killed a mother of three!’”

In spite of her reluctance, Sydna finally acquiesced and wrote a carefully worded letter to Jennifer, expressing her forgiveness. She was caught by surprise by what happened inside her. As soon as Sydna dropped the letter into the mail, “a weight lifted. I felt like I was losing 20 pounds. That’s when I learned that anger, bitterness, and unforgiveness keeps you from experiencing the depths of joy.”

Though Sydna Masse forgave Jennifer for murdering her friend, she did so initially out of a sense of obligation. “What I didn’t expect was what I got in return,” she says today.

“I’m sorry for killing your friend,” Jennifer wrote in response.

When Sydna read the words, “It hit me like a thunderbolt. I didn’t realize I needed to hear that.”

But she did.

As a pen-pal relationship grew, Sydna realized that what she once viewed as an obligation—forgiving Jennifer—ended up ministering to both women in some profound ways.

Sydna began to wish the best for Jennifer. This was a lifechanging stage in her road to forgiveness.

We’ll close with some steps to forgiveness if you are having trouble forgiving someone followed by one last story of forgiveness. I’ve put this sermon up on my website: www.jeffreyclong.com if you’d like to review this list.

1. Don’t deny feelings of hurt, anger, or shame. Rather, acknowledge these feelings and commit yourself to doing something about them.

It is important to not think that in order to forgive you have to bury your feelings. If you had no feelings about it you would have nothing to forgive. Your feelings are an acknowledgement that something terrible has happened

2. Don’t just focus on the person who has harmed you, but identify the specific offensive behavior.

Love the sinner, hate the sin. Don’t just put all your focus on the person. Rather pay attention to what was actually done.

3. Make a conscious decision not to seek revenge or nurse a grudge and decide instead to forgive. This conversion of the heart is a critical stage toward forgiveness.

After the violent death of his sister, a man named Daniel vowed to take revenge. And yet the culprit was never found. But his need for revenge continued. His mother wrote: Over the next two-and-a-half years I saw Daniel go downhill. And then one day I stood alongside his sister’s grave only this time I watched _him_ being lowered into the ground. He had finally taken revenge – on himself. I saw what hatred does: it takes the ultimate toll on one’s mind and body.

The need for revenge takes its ultimate toll not on the offender, but rather on ourselves.

4. Formulate a rationale for forgiving. For example: “By forgiving I can experience inner healing and move on with my life.”

List some of the reasons why you should forgive. What will forgiveness do you for you. For those around you. What will forgiveness do for the offender.

5. Think differently about the offender. Try to see things from the offender’s perspective.

6. Accept the pain you’ve experienced without passing it off to others, including the offender.

7. Choose to extend goodwill and mercy toward the other; wish for the well-being of that person.

8. Think about how it feels to be released from a burden or grudge. Be open to emotional relief. Seek meaning in the suffering you experienced.

9. Realize the paradox of forgiveness: as you let go and forgive the offender, you are experiencing release and healing.

Adapted from Robert D. Enright, in Scott Heller, “Emerging Field of Forgiveness Studies Explores How We Let Go of Grudges,” Chronicle of Higher Education (July 17, 1998).

Close with this story.

Gordon Wilson held his daughter’s hand as they lay trapped beneath a mountain of rubble. It was 1987, and he and Marie had been attending a peaceful memorial service in Enniskillen, Northern Ireland, when a terrorist bomb went off. By the end of the day Marie and nine other civilians were dead, and sixty-three had been hospitalized for injuries. Amazingly Gordon refused to retaliate, saying that angry words could

neither restore his daughter nor bring peace to Belfast. Only hours after the bombing, he told BBC reporters:

I have lost my daughter, and we shall miss her. But I bear no ill will. I bear no grudge…That will not bring her back…Don’t ask me, please, for a purpose…I don’t have an answer. But I know there has to be a plan. If I

didn’t think that, I would commit suicide. It’s part of a greater plan…and we shall meet again.

Later Gordon said that his words were not intended as a theological response to his daughter’s murder. He had simply blurted them out from the depth of his heart. In the days and weeks that followed the bombing, he struggled to live up to his words. It wasn’t easy, but they were something to hang on to, something to keep him afloat in the dark hours when grief overwhelmed him.

He knew that the terrorists who took his daughter’s life were anything but remorseful, and he maintained that they should be punished and imprisoned. Even so, he refused to seek revenge. “Those who have to account for this deed will have to face a judgement of God,” he said, “which is way beyond my forgiveness…It would be wrong for me to give any impression that gunmen and bombers should be allowed to walk the streets freely. But…whether or not they are judged here on earth

by a court of law…I do my very best in human terms to show forgiveness…The last word rests with God.”

Gordon was misunderstood and ridiculed by many because of his stand, but he says that without having made a decision to forgive, he never could have accepted the fact that his daughter was never coming back. Nor could he have found the freedom to move on. Forgiving also had a positive effect that reached beyond his personal life. At least temporarily, his words broke the

cycle of killing and revenge: the local Protestant paramilitary leadership felt so convicted by his courage that they did not retaliate.

Matthew 18:21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone[i] who sins against me? Seven times?”

22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!”

Forgiveness is hard. But not forgiving is harder.