Jeffrey C. Long

I preached the following sermon that the memorial service of Daniel Parks, May 21st, 2005. It was based on an outline by Bill Hybels.

Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge and strength,

A very present help in trouble.

2 Therefore we won’t be afraid, though the earth changes,

Though the mountains are shaken into the heart of the seas;

3 Though the waters of it roar and are troubled,

Though the mountains tremble with their swelling.

Selah.

4 There is a river, the streams of which make the city of God glad,

The holy place of the tents of the Most High.

5 God is in her midst. She shall not be moved.

God will help her at dawn.

10 “Be still, and know that I am God.

I will be exalted among the nations.

I will be exalted in the earth.”

One of Daniel’s jobs was a construction worker on big projects. He helped to construct dams. Also, he worked on the construction of roads. I don’t know about you, but whenever I am driving somewhere and see road construction, I marvel at the tenacity of the workers. This looks like hot gruelling work.

We need roads. Without them we would not be able to travel.

Dealing with loss is a road that each of us may travel. It is inevitable. Some of us are well practiced at it. Others, especially if you are long are new to traveling this road.

It’s important to know that there is more then one road of dealing with grief.

• The first is society’s way, which lacks hope,

•

• and the second is God’s way, which is hope-filled.

Society’s approach to grieving leads to despair.

My grandfather’s death was my first experience with losing someone that I was very close to. My grandfather was a big idea guy. He understood society and politics in a way that few I have met do. And he was a conversationalist. He had a room in the house called the den where he would go to smoke, and read and talk with his sons and daughter and grandchildren. I spent many hours back there, talking, especially politics. My fondest memories were during the election between President Clinton and President George Bush Sr. This to me was the Superbowl of political ideas. My grandfather had a lot to say. My uncles were fans of Rush Limbaugh so they had lots to say.

When my grandfather died it was a tremendous loss. I really didn’t know how to deal with it so I dealt with it poorly. I didn’t express my emotions. I tried to stuff them. I brooded. Do you ever brood?

As a result, my life got unhealthy for a season, I believe a direct result of not dealing well with the grief of losing my grandfather.

Here’s how many in our society deal with grief.

• Step 1: We are to stop feeling badly and bury our feelings.

“You just need to pick yourself up dust yourself off and get back on the horse.”

* Step 2: We are to replace our losses, and fix the pain quickly.

Many people throw themselves into work.

Others use alcohol or drugs to try to fix the pain.

Or use a relationship. Note: relationships are helpful to grief. But some people use other people to replace the loss and this isn’t healthy.

* Step 3: We are to grieve alone.

Men, this is us. I am just not comfortable crying in front of people. At my grandfather’s funeral, I was asked to read scripture. But because I spent the whole service holding back my tears, when the time came, I wasn’t able to because I would explode. Society tells us that we aren’t to cry in front of people. Crying is weakness. So we are to grieve alone.

• Step 4: If there’s unfinished business, we are to accept a life of regret; there’s nothing that can be done.

o This leads to dispair. Because we spend our life wishing we could go back and do the things we thought.

o My family lived with my grandmother in her last years of life. Her needs became overwhelming especially while trying to raise 4 little children. I regretted the lack of care that I felt we gave her. I carried this with me for years. Reality was that we gave her love and community and _did_ take care of her needs. But feeling like I had unfinished business created regret that was unconseable.

In contrast, recently a young person from the high school I work at passed away. This was a horribly emotional time for me and my family. But we used God’s approach to grieving and it ultimately led to healing.

• Step 1: Feel your feelings and express them.

When I first found out that this young man had died, my immediate reaction was to cry. I just let it out. I didn’t try to stuff my feelings.

- In the book of John, Jesus went to the tomb where his friend Lazarus was laid. The bible speaks the simplest words about his reaction. It says simply “Jesus wept.”

- This speaks volumes about grief management.

- We are in good company when we allow ourselves to feel our feelings and express them. Jesus grieves as well.

Damien Spikereit tells the story of When in high school his father passed away rather suddenly. It was just two days before my high school graduation. At that time in my life I was a baby Christian; immature and shallow. I was still drying off the baptistery waters. All I cared about was not going to hell.

But then my dad died. I found myself in a place I’d never been before. I wanted to hear God speak. I wanted to know what he had to say about this situation; how he was going to get me and my family through this difficult time. So I prayed. And I waited for God to speak.

Then came the day of the funeral. The church was packed. I sat on the front pew with my mother and two younger sisters. The Lutheran priest spoke, but I don’t remember what he said. I continued to wait for God to say something. Then the service was over. It was the tradition of this church to have the family line up in the foyer. Everyone would file past us and offer words of condolence and encouragement. Tears were shed, hugs offered, and words were given. I don’t remember what anybody said to me in that time. But I continued to wait for God to speak.

Then I saw Kim O’Quinn. She was my age. We were in the youth group together. When she got to me, she didn’t say a word. She had tears in her eyes. And she simply hugged me and walked off. But I heard God speak. It dawned on me. Just months before, I had attended another funeral; the funeral for Kim O’Quinn’s father. In that moment she knew exactly what it meant to be me.

If you want to hear God’s voice in your life look no further than the one who knows exactly what it’s like to be you. He knows what it is to be human, he knows what it is to suffer, he knows what it is to be rejected, he knows what it is to be human. If you want to hear God’s voice speak, allow your soul to be quieted long enough so that you can hear the one who was in the beginning say to you, “draw near to me and I’ll draw near to you.”

Citation: Damien Spikereit in “The Story Before the Story,” preached at Lincoln Christian College, 11-25-03; submitted by Chuck Sackett, Lincoln, Illinois

Jesus knows what it is like to grieve. So, follow his example, and allow yourself to feel what you are feeling.

* Step 2: Don’t just replace the loss, review the loss.

– To recover from pain, we have to face it.

John Raines said in the christian century magazine “Grief refuses to flee the past just because it is gone and things have now changed.”

Citation: John C. Raines in the Christian Century (Oct. 15, 1986). Christianity Today, Vol. 33, no. 12.

Ever been to the beach and taken one of those blow up beach balls? When my sister and I went on trips to a lake, or to a motel, we would try to hold it under water or sit on it as long as we could. Of course, no matter how long we held it under it always popped back up as soon as it was given the opportunity. Grief is like that beach ball. We may try to hold it under the water, but sooner or later it is going to bubble back up. And we know from research that the longer it is held under the water, it pops back up in unhealthy ways.

Don’t cover up the loss with activity, or with alcohol, or something else unhealthy. Take time to review your loss. To ponder it.

• Step 3: God’s approach is to grieve in community.

When dealing with the death of this young man, my daughters spent a lot of time with their classmates at the high school. My wife and I spent a lot of time on the phone. I talked a lot with my daughters and son about it. I talked with my friends the elders in the church about it.

We need people around us when we are in grief.

• Step 4: Only the Holy Spirit, called the Comforter, will heal.

We read at the beginning that “God is our refuge, an ever present help in time of trouble. When we are dealing with loss we are dealing with the absence of someone. If they had followed Jesus as Lord and Savior, and we do as well, we know that we will be reunited with them in heaven. But in the meantime we have to deal with not having someone present with us that we are accustomed to spending our time with.

The Holy Spirit, our comforter is able to mend that loneliness by being present with us. If you have not decided to follow Jesus as your savior and Lord, I invite you to pursue God, especially now that you recognize your need for his divine presence.

* Step 5: God’s approach says we can still express our regrets.

- Romans 12:18 says 18 If it is possible, as much as it is up to you, be at peace with all men.

- The key here is “if it is possible, as much as it is up to you.

- We need to always do our best with people.

- But even so, we are still not going to be perfect. Relationships are never perfect. So there may be regret. Things that we have left behind.

- It is appropriate to express those regrets.

- I know that when I finally expressed my guilt over my grandmother to my mom and dad, his son, I was comforted by them that I did my best and that I was a blessing to her. This brought some closure to some emotions that had been eating me up.

Conclusion:

* How will we choose to grieve? Using society’s approach or God’s approach?

Can I pray for you?



let us pray to the Lord.



Send your Holy Spirit upon us to lead us into God’s way of grief rather then society’s way of grief.

Grant that all who have been baptized into Christ’s death and

resurrection may die to sin and rise to newness of life, and

that through the grave and gate of death we may pass with

him to our joyful resurrection.



Grant to us who are still in our pilgrimage, and who walk as

yet by faith, that thy Holy Spirit may lead us in holiness and

righteousness all our days.



Grant to your faithful people pardon and peace, that we may

be cleansed from all our sins, and serve you with a quiet

mind.



If you are hear today and you have not chosen to follow Jesus as Lord and Savior, I invite you to take a moment now and call upon Him and commit your life to following Him. So that His Holy Spirit would come and be inside you comforting you in this time of loss.



Lord, Grant to all who mourn a sure confidence in your fatherly

care, that, casting all their grief on thee, they may know the

consolation of thy love.

Give courage and faith to those who are grieving today, that they

may have strength to meet the days ahead in the comfort of a

reasonable and holy hope, in the joyful expectation of eternal

life with those they love.